Deconstruction: Breaking down the Walls

For as long as I can remember, it seems that everyone who has ever had the ability to hurt me, has. I know that as humans we are flawed, but somehow it always felt like a coordinated attack against me. The emotional trauma was overwhelming. As the hurt piled up, so did my feelings that I was not good enough. I thought that I was not worthy of being loved and that I would never be loved as I deserved. I found myself being sad and depressed. My self-esteem was at an all-time low. 

As history kept repeating itself through family members, friendships, and relationships, I built myself a wall. Well, more like a fortress. I felt I had to in order to survive. I was sick and tired of crying, questioning why me and going through the long healing process repeatedly. My self-constructed wall would protect me. Behind my wall, I still tried to be myself: good, selfless, kind, loving and caring, however, because I expected to get hurt, I never gave 100% of myself to anyone.

When I got hurt, I would spare just a little time to feel the pain. Those feelings were then stuffed behind my carefully constructed wall and I would move on as if nothing had happened. My wall was like a light switch; I could love you today and be indifferent to you tomorrow. I understood that this wasn’t healthy, but it worked. When I became a Christian, I knew this was no way to live however, having built my wall brick by brick for over 15 years, I realized I couldn’t just will it away. 

Two sides to a wall

The thing about walls though is that although they keep things in, they also keep things out. As I matured in Christ, I realized that the deep relationship that I sought to have with God eluded me. When I did my self-reflection to try and determine why this was so, I concluded that God could not operate in me how He wanted to because there was a part of me that was off limits, even to Him.

It had been years since I had allowed myself to be truly vulnerable, and it was very difficult to allow myself to be vulnerable and open, even with God. My rational mind knew He was not like man so He wouldn’t hurt me. But, there was also a small voice in my head saying He allowed all of this to happen to me in the first place so if He wanted to get in, He could always jump over the wall. As I typed that I laughed because we really do serve a gracious and merciful God that loves honesty and doesn’t give up on us, even when we are rude and out of order.

The Deconstruction Process

God allowed me to continue living with my wall but used encounters I had with Him to reveal that my wall could not stay. I could not become who He created me to be, if I didn’t heal from my emotional trauma. The realization that I had to allow myself to feel so that I could heal hit me like a ton of bricks. The thought of letting out all the pain I hadn’t allowed myself to feel for years was enough for me to say, ‘God, I know I need to but I can’t do it. The pain will kill me. Can’t you work around the wall?’ The fear inside me spoke loudly; I was terrified. Without my wall I knew I would feel naked, vulnerable and dangerously bare, but how could God give me beauty for ashes if I refused to let the ashes go?

Deconstruction is painful, but necessary process on this Christian journey. Many of us have built walls to avoid dealing with our failures, pain, insecurities, feelings of abandonment, brokenness, and a variety of other trauma. These walls hinder our growth in Christ and so they must come down.  The following steps below may help you.

1. Acknowledge that there is an issue that needs fixing.

Lying to ourselves and pretending everything is ok when it isn’t, will not bring about the transformation that we seek. Even though we serve an all-knowing God, for our own benefit, it is good to acknowledge and talk about what we are feeling. Lay everything before Him. One way to do this is to get a journal. In this journal, write the feelings you are having and say to God what you expect from Him regarding this matter.

For example: God, I am feeling angry. I feel angry because I always seem to make friends who do not have my best interest at heart; they only want to take from me. This hurts me. I would really love to have friends where the relationship is mutually beneficial, who I can confide in and who I am comfortable being myself around. Lord, I want you to help me choose better friends.

Pray about it and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you feel while remembering that His strength is made perfect in your weakness (2 Cor 12:9). Cry if you must; releasing these negative feelings is a good thing.

2. Forgive yourself and others

This is a hard one. For many of us, we have adapted to living with these negative emotions and we may be very reluctant to let them go. However, you have to be willing to say, listen, yes this happened but I am choosing to let it go. I am choosing to forgive so that I can be better. I will live differently. This situation will not control my life. God instructs that we should “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.” (Eph. 4:32) Forgiveness may seem too hard for you but remember that “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak” (Isaiah 40:29). In Christ, we are victors, not victims. Break if you must; He will help to put the broken pieces back together.

3. Be intentional

As you let go of these negative feelings such as anger, fear, insecurity and self-doubt that may have consumed you, you will need to fill the void. You have to intentionally replace these negative emotions with positive ones. Whenever the fear tries to return, remind yourself that God did not give you a spirit of fear (2 Tim 1:7). If the insecurities try to return, stop them in their tracks by not criticizing yourself (or others). Remind yourself that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:13-14). Encourage yourself with the word of God until thinking positive, uplifting thoughts become your new norm.

4. Seek help

If you are going through the process and nothing seems to be changing, you may need to seek professional help in the form of your pastor or a licensed counselor. This doesn’t make you weak; it makes you very strong. Many of these issues have been growing with us since childhood so it is understandable that they may be difficult to get rid of. Your pastor/counselor can help you to mentally process and release these negative, crippling emotions. It is ok to get help. Just as you go to a doctor to fix your physical health, it is ok to seek counseling to address these issues related to your emotional wellbeing.

It is my hope that all of us will be able to remove the barriers we have put up so that we are able to live freely in Christ. Understand that deconstruction is a process and the time frame will vary for each person. I can’t say it will take you a week, a month or even years to tear the walls down. But, what I do know is that if you are intentional, you will see the difference in your life. While I am not yet where I want to be, I am a long way from where I began. Friends, be deliberate in taking charge of your emotional health and embark on a journey of healing and restoration. That way we can sing together the song of my heart:

“Oh, deeper yet, I pray,
And higher every day,
And wiser, blessed Lord,
In Thy precious, holy Word.”

Are you unsure if you are struggling with emotional trauma that you need to let go of? Check out the video below for 9 signs that you have unhealed emotional trauma. Let us heal together.